Indeed, a strong woman...

I sit in front of my mother’s gravestone with tears in my eyes; all I could think of was how strong she was during all those punches, slaps and beatings of her life she gets from my father. She will always smile at us whenever we see her on the floor crying and say ‘Tears of joy’. It made me think everyone that cries were happy.

One day I saw mom’s eyes swollen and when I asked her what happened, she said ‘Tambolo (ant) bit me’. I was little then so I believed mom, it even made me scared of tambolo because I didn’t want to have a swollen eye like mom, the sight was gruesome. Mom always had something to say anytime we noticed a scar on her. The other day she had a swollen cheek; she said she was hiding her scotch egg from us …lol

As I grew older I started to feel the pain mom was going through, mom’s screams, wails, pains and all were unbearable. After every beating mom gets from dad, dad will take us out to a lovely restaurant. He will get flowers for mom and sing for her. It made we ponder for a while who this man was. I couldn’t get a nomenclature for him. He was the best dad and also the worst person on earth. 

Whenever I tell mom ‘I hate daddy’, she will tell me that ‘you will not understand now my dear, when you grow older, you will understand better’ was all she will say whenever I talk to her. What wont I understand was all I was thinking of, is it the beatings mom gets from dad or the affections he showers after every beating? I pondered. I loved dad and also I hate him.

I will never forget February 14^th, in the evening when dad pushed mom down the stairways. Mom was pregnant; she was also carrying Lilly, my younger sister. I still remember all that happened that night. Mom did not get dad what he expected for Valentine’s Day and he got mom what she wanted, that was all. Mom begged and begged but all fell to dad’s deaf ears, he just pushed mom and before I knew it. All I saw was a pool of blood, Lilly’s and moms’ blood. Mom lost the pregnancy and Lilly died. It was a sad year for my family; we didn’t tell anyone what dad did. We just said mom slipped.

Mom lost 3 pregnancies because of the beatings and punches she got from dad. I couldn’t tell anyone what mom was going through, I couldn’t even tell my friends that I was in pain. Anytime grandma comes she leaves with tears, she will warn dad and tell mom to leave dad but mom will say ‘I love him, he is the father of my lovely children’. Love? Is that what people call love? Beating? Punches? If beating and punching is the definition of love I don’t ever want to fall in love.

I overheard Aunty Shelia (mom’s best friend) telling mom that dad cannot change, she said ‘Michael has been like this since university and after marriage and all, he has still not change. He can never change sweetheart. I love you and I don’t want to lose you. Please end this marriage. Think of the psychological trauma your child is going through. This is not Love, this is lust. Lilly and Carla are dead do you want to lose your last child because of love. If you don’t end this marriage, I will end it for you’. Mom and Aunty Sheila argued, aunty Sheila left in tears. I could place my mind on what to do. Should I run to grandma, should I kill dad? Was all I was pondering after I overheard mom and Aunty Sheila.  Dad has been beating mom before they married, if I remember clearly dad and mom have been married for 18years and they dated for 3years, that’s 21 years of beating and punching. My mom was indeed a strong woman.

I got back from school for the Christmas break and I found mom on the floor crying, she was just telling me to take good care of myself and dad, that she will always love us. I was asking her what happened, I had to call my neighbor to help me carry mom to the hospital. Before we got to the hospital mom was gone, gone as in gone forever. I will never see her again; she never wanted me or my late younger siblings to be sad. She died smiling, smiling that she is going to a better place where there is no pain, punch or beatings but just peace. I couldn’t cry, I called grandma and Aunty Sheila to tell them mom was in the hospital, I couldn’t summon the courage to tell them mom was dead as a result of the beatings she got from dad…

The burial went well and everyone spoke well about mom even the wicked father of mine. I couldn’t sleep for days, I always dreamt of dad beating mom and mom in white smiling at me. The whole burial week was a miserable week for me. Who will I live with? How will I cope? With God by my side, I will be strong; I will move forward, nothing is going to hold me back.

I wipe my tears and say this to my fellow ladies ‘. Love has no constant definition. It can be defined in different meanings. My mom’s definition was staying with the man you love even though he beats you like a pumpkin. My mom knew my dad could not change and she stayed with him till he killed her. Is that love? If your boyfriend beats you while you are still dating and you call that love, then you are going into a big pit. Take him for counseling or better still leave him. I know women can be annoying but men should be patient too. My mom got beaten for 22years and the reasons most times were just pointless. Well, I don’t have any definition for love. I will never fall in love. I will never marry. I will go and help train children in the orphanage, mom always loved kids. So that’s what I will do with my remaining years on earth.’